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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

This one is for you Ted and Renee: Top ten reasons why having a kid is great

In one of my recent posts I apparently spooked some of my non-parent readers with my description of bedtime woes so lest anyone should decide against becoming a parent because of this, I want to name off a few awesome reasons why having kids is well worth it.

Now, I could name a bunch of mushy reasons, like how great it makes you feel when your baby smiles at you or what a sense of accomplishment you feel when your child pees in her potty all by herself. But I won't. Because that stuff will only make sense to people who already have children.

So here's my list to all you folks who think parenting is a real drag. It's not. I promise. It has it's sucky moments, but those moments are outweighed in vast numbers by the awesome stuff that comes with parenting.

Reason number 10:
You get to read Dr. Seuss books. Remember the classic Green Eggs and Ham? Sam I am! I do not like green eggs and ham! I do not like them in a boat, I do not like them in a moat.... We just started reading Dr. Seuss to Annika and she loves it. She's totally obsessed with The Foot Book, but I'm sure that we'll graduate to Green Eggs and Ham eventually.

Reason number 9:
You get to talk like Pootie Tang. And when you do, nobody calls you a dork and stupid for liking that movie. Cole me down on the panny sty. Sepatown.

And the best thing? When you talk like that, you get an answer that makes equally as much sense. Matter of fact, it makes tons of sense to both of you. Kappa Chow mofos.

Reason number 8:
Kids crying in public is no longer a bother. You know how when you go out to eat and at the next table there's a bunch of fucking booger pickers running around flinging french fries at you and their parents are just staring out the window as if they didn't notice? Well, that's because they didn't.

When you go out without your kid, those kids won't even register on your radar because you are just glad to be at a restaurant drinking a margarita with your friends and not having to wipe someone else's face or pick up french fries off the floor when you're done eating.

Reason number 7:
Naps. When you're a parent, nobody thinks you are a lazy schmo for taking naps. You actually get congratulated for taking a nap. People pat you on the back and say, "Good for you for sleeping in the middle of the day. I'm sure you really needed that."

Reason number 6:
Swings. Maybe it's just me. But before I had Annika I used to walk by the swings at parks and look dreamily at them, wishing I had a reason to swing and pump my legs as high as I could, like when I was a kid. When you're a single person with no kids, people look at you funny if you go to the park by yourself and play on the toys. If you're a jungle gym person, by all means, feel free to go hang upside down until you turn red in the face.

Reason number 5:
Cartoons. Need I say more? Seriously.

Reason number 4:
Laughing. When you have a kid, you laugh all the freakin' time. You laugh when you wake up in the morning, just because. You laugh when the dog drools on you. You laugh while you're eating breakfast because your toddler thinks it's funny to feed you. You laugh at the park and on a train. You laugh in the car and on the plane. You laugh at a cat, at a hat, at a bat and after a nap. You laugh at the park, in an ark, and at some guy named Mark. You laugh on the potty and while drinking hot toddies. You laugh at night and with a kite. You laugh here, you laugh there, you laugh and laugh everywhere.

Reason number 3:
Snacks. Did you know that with kids comes a requirement that you carry food with you at all times? Yeah. It's true. If you are a well-prepared parent, you will always have snacks with you. Granted, it's usually fruit, or cheese crackers or some form of cereal, but it's food.

And it's not just for the kids. You can eat it too. You can even pack separate snacks for yourself. So instead of heading to the closest vending machine, whenever you get hungry, you can just reach into that giant bag you're carrying and pull out some food. It's awesome. Now I'm hungry.

Reason number 2:
Cuddling. Ok, now you're all like, "Dude, you said you weren't going to get mushy on me!" But seriously, this isn't mushy. Cuddling with a baby and toddler is so much fun. When they're sleeping they are really warm and their skin is really soft. Lately, Annika's new thing is that she is really into sitting on stuff, me included (and Toyin), so she backs up to us and plops her little booty on a lap and then waits for us to read to her, or play drums.

Reason number 1:
Baby hugs and kisses. Yeah, still not mushy. Ok, maybe a little. But baby hugs and kisses are the best ones you will ever get. When that tiny little arm wraps around your neck, you can't help but totally melt all over the ground.

And the kiss, well, it's fucking priceless. Because little babies and toddlers don't know how to purse their lips. They just place their mouths on you and drool. And for those of you who think of your dogs and cats as your kiddos, well, let me tell you, baby drool is a million times better.


  1. I've just come across your blogs through Attachment Parenting International. I think we are kindred spirits. Pootie Tang is my favorite movie. I really was beginning to believe no one else had seen it, but now I find someone quoting it! Plus, you are using it for the power of parenting. Hell yeah!

  2. Rock on! Pootie Tang was hilarious! Kindred spirits indeed. I bet you love Cohen brothers movies too.


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